daniela cuevas theoretical institute llc

8gb flash drive / from 2009 / obsolete / but what if / the apocalypse / requires / exactly / 8gb / of storage / and i threw away / the only one / that works / with whatever / computer / survives / the collapse / of everything / more advanced / than this / little rectangle / of possibility /

dad’s handwriting / on paper / ripped from / something larger / my address / in his careful / block letters / the way he writes / numbers / different / from everyone else / the paper / soft now / from handling / from being / one of hundreds / of little pieces / of his love / scattered / through my / memory boxes / proof / that he thinks / of where i live / proof that he / sends things / visits / calls / cares / and still / i save / this one / scrap / as if / i might / forget /

ticket stub / from that movie / that wasn’t even / good / but we laughed / at the wrong parts / and afterward / ate terrible / diner food / and talked / about everything / except / what we / really meant / and now / the ticket / is the only / witness / to that specific / configuration / of us / that will never / happen / again /

1000 registered mail / stickers / from usps / because they were / free / and i thought / i’d use them / all / eventually / for important / things / but how many / important things / can one person / mail / and now / they’re decoration / for notebooks / for memory boxes / for the desperate / attempt / to make / useful / what was always / unnecessary /

pop tabs / in a jar / because someone / once told me / they’re worth / something / to someone / somewhere / but really / because each one / represents / a moment / of thirst / quenched / a choice / made / a day / survived / and throwing them / away / feels like / denying / i was ever / that thirsty / that alive / that here /

cork / from wine / that tasted / like celebration / or like / crying / depending / on the night / but cork / nonetheless / proof / that once / i opened / something / shared / something / finished / something / that required / a corkscrew / and optimism / and the belief / that some things / are worth / preserving /

beer bottles / thank god / i stopped / collecting / those / because glass / takes up / space / and sound / and eventually / you run out / of shelves / for the evidence / of every / friday night / every / small victory / every / reason / to open / something / and pretend / it solved / anything / at all /

matchbook / from restaurant / that closed / during pandemic / proof / i was there / when there / was still / there / when going out / meant / going somewhere / not just / opening / an app / not just / scrolling / through pictures / of food / other people / are eating / in places / that still / exist /

coaster / collection / growing / without / intention / just / accumulation / of places / i set down / drinks / while talking / while thinking / while existing / in spaces / designed / for temporary / presence / but somehow / i made it / permanent / by taking / the thing / that protected / the table / from me /

memory box / full of / memory boxes / smaller ones / nested / like russian dolls / of sentiment / each one / a different / attempt / to organize / the unorganizable / to contain / what can’t / be contained / to make sense / of why / i keep / what i keep / and call it / curation / when it’s really / just / fear /

photograph / printed / from before / everything / was digital / when pictures / cost money / and took time / and you only / took them / when you / were sure / you wanted / to remember / and now / i have boxes / of expensive / intentional / memories / that i rarely / look at / but can’t / delete / because / they’re already / real /

cable drawer / full of / cords / for devices / that no longer / exist / but what if / i need / to connect / something / to something else / in a way / that requires / this specific / proprietary / configuration / of metal / and plastic / that they / stopped making / the day after / i threw away / the thing / it connected / to /

notebook / half full / of ideas / that seemed / important / when i wrote them / now / incomprehensible / but still / mine / still / proof / that once / i had / thoughts / worth / writing down / even if / i can’t / remember / what i meant / by “tuesday / elephant / significance” / or why / it was / underlined / twice /

cleaning / becomes / archaeology / every layer / a different / version / of myself / i’m not sure / i’m ready / to excavate / or bury / the person / who kept / every program / from every / concert / like she / was building / a museum / of her own / attention / her own / presence / her own / proof / that she / was there / when there / was music / when there / was wonder / when there / was still / room / in her life / for things / that served / no purpose / except / to remind her / later / that once / she lived / loudly enough / to need / somewhere / to put / the evidence

sarah koenig’s voice / while i brush my teeth / telling me about another / wrongful conviction / another system / that failed / another person / who trusted / the wrong people / spit rinse / and wonder / who i’m trusting / with my attention / my time / my subconscious / absorption / of other people’s / traumas / as entertainment / as education / as company /

folding laundry / to ezra klein / explaining / late stage capitalism / while i sort / fast fashion / that i bought / on impulse / after listening to / a planet money episode / about consumer psychology / the irony / tastes like / fabric softener / and cognitive dissonance / tumble dry / on low heat / moral complexity /

true crime / puts me to sleep / because there’s something / soothing / about mysteries / solved / about chaos / contained / within / narrative structure / beginning middle end / unlike real life / unlike my own / unsolved questions / about who i am / when no one’s / listening / except these voices / i’ve invited / into my head / into my dreams /

walking to work / with today explained / in my ears / learning about / supply chain disruptions / while disrupting / my own thoughts / with facts / i’ll forget / by lunch / but the feeling / the anxiety / the sense / that everything / is connected / and breaking / simultaneously / that stays / metabolizes / into my posture / my pace / my inability / to just / walk / without / input /

shower thoughts / aren’t mine anymore / they belong to / this american life / to ira glass / asking the right questions / while i condition / my hair / and consider / whether i’m living / authentically / or performing / authenticity / for an audience / of zero / except these / disembodied voices / who know me / better than / i know myself /

ad break / for mattresses / i don’t need / beds i’ll never / afford / but suddenly / i’m on amazon / reading reviews / from strangers / about sleep quality / while listening to / maintenance phase / debunk / wellness culture / the same culture / selling me / optimization / through targeted ads / based on / my listening habits /

google tangent / because someone mentioned / a case / i don’t know / a victim / whose name / i need to see / spelled out / whose face / i need to match / to the voice / describing their / final moments / and now i’m / three wikipedia pages / deep / learning about / jurisdictional issues / in rural canada / while my coffee / gets cold /

everything is alive / makes me cry / in the produce section / because now / i’m thinking about / the consciousness / of shopping carts / of elevator buttons / of all the objects / that witness / our small desperate / attempts / at living / while i squeeze / avocados / and wonder / what they think / about ripeness / about time / about being / chosen /

you’re wrong about / corrects / everything / i thought / i knew / about anything / and i feel / both smarter / and more ignorant / simultaneously / like the more / i learn / the less / i understand / about the distance / between facts / and truth / between information / and wisdom / between knowing / and knowing / what to do / with knowing /

strict scrutiny / while doing dishes / constitutional law / mixed with / dish soap / and the strange / intimacy / of learning / about voting rights / while scrubbing / last night’s / takeout containers / the domestic / and the political / merging / until everything / feels / constitutional / even my / kitchen habits / my consumer choices / my right / to privacy / while listening /

fall asleep to / bear brook / wake up to / details about / barrel decomposition / that i didn’t / consciously hear / but absorbed / through osmosis / through the strange / permeability / of the unconscious / to narrative / to horror / to other people’s / nightmares / becoming / my dreams / my morning anxiety /

song exploder / between / serious content / because i need / to feel something / other than / informed dread / need melody / need the space / between words / but then / i feel guilty / for not / optimizing / this moment / for learning / for growth / for becoming / more knowledgeable / about systemic / failures / and personal / responsibility /

voices layer / upon voices / sarah and ira / and esther and ezra / and the anonymous / reddit confessions / and the expert interviews / and the ad copy / for things / i don’t need / creating a chorus / of other people’s / thoughts / other people’s / research / other people’s / carefully crafted / questions / while my own / questions / remain / unasked / unanswered / unformed / beneath / the constant / input / the endless / education / the beautiful / terrible / company / of voices / that know me / better than / silence / ever could

it’s 3:17am and I’m googling / do cats dream / which leads to / REM cycles / which leads to / sleep deprivation studies / which leads to / mortality rates / which leads to / how long / can humans stay awake / before hallucinating / before breaking / before the mind / just gives up / on organizing / the endless input /

how did I get here / from wikipedia page / about medieval torture devices / to a documentary / about deep sea creatures / that have never seen light / like me / right now / in the glow / of too much knowing / too much information / without wisdom / without pause / without the mercy / of not understanding / everything /

another tab opens / article about microplastics / in human blood / in newborn babies / another tab / about the heat death / of the universe / another tab / about why we procrastinate / while I procrastinate / reading about procrastination / the irony tastes / metallic / like the blood / that’s full of plastic /

random article about / the last person / to speak a dying language / and how they died / alone / with all those words / no one will ever / hear again / and I think about / all the things / I know now / that I didn’t know / an hour ago / and how heavy / knowing feels / when you can’t / unknow /

down the rabbit hole / of extinct animals / the golden toad / last seen in 1989 / bright as a warning / that went unheeded / like all the warnings / I ignore / about screen time / about sleep hygiene / about the way / information / without integration / is just / digital hoarding / of other people’s / research / other people’s / nightmares /

autoplay starts / documentary about / factory farming / I can’t look away / even though / I know / this will ruin / breakfast / tomorrow / and the day after / and maybe forever / but I keep watching / because stopping / feels like giving up / on being informed / on bearing witness / to everything / wrong with everything /

4am and I’m reading / about ocean acidification / about coral bleaching / about how the barrier reef / is dying / has died / will die / depending / on which article / which year / which degree / of optimism / the scientist / was feeling / when they published / their findings /

comment section / argues about / solutions / or lack thereof / and I scroll / through the despair / the anger / the few voices / still suggesting / hope / but hope feels / expensive / at this hour / when I’ve learned / too much / about everything / I can’t fix / can’t change / can’t unsee /

new tab / random article / about a man / who memorized / every street / in his city / just because / and I wonder / what it’s like / to know something / beautiful / something useless / something that doesn’t / end in statistics / about suffering / or studies / about why / we’re all doomed /

wikipedia spiral / leads me from / ancient rome / to lead poisoning / to the fall / of civilizations / to our civilization / to microplastics / again / everything / connects / to everything / else / in the worst / possible ways / at the worst / possible hour /

another article / about loneliness / being equivalent / to smoking / fifteen cigarettes / a day / for your health / and I wonder / if reading about loneliness / while being lonely / counts as / a double dose / or if knowledge / is its own kind / of company / however dark /

I know things now / I didn’t want / to know / about factory farms / about fast fashion / about rare earth metals / about the cost / of everything / I use / I wear / I consume / without thinking / the weight of knowing / sits heavy / in my chest / like swallowed stones /

5:13am / and I’ve learned / seventeen different ways / the world is ending / or has ended / or never began / depending / on your perspective / your religion / your tolerance / for cognitive dissonance / and the morning light / creeping in / feels like / a gentle mockery / of everything / I now know / to be true / or approximately true / or true enough / to keep me awake / tomorrow night / and the night after / researching / solutions / that don’t exist / or exist / but require / more than / one person / can give / more than / one lifetime / can hold / more than / 3am insomnia / and good intentions / can solve /

close laptop / but the knowing / stays / metabolizes / into anxiety / into the specific weight / of being informed / and paralyzed / of caring / and being / too small / too tired / too human / to carry / all this truth / into daylight