daniela cuevas theoretical institute llc

it’s 3:17am and I’m googling / do cats dream / which leads to / REM cycles / which leads to / sleep deprivation studies / which leads to / mortality rates / which leads to / how long / can humans stay awake / before hallucinating / before breaking / before the mind / just gives up / on organizing / the endless input /

how did I get here / from wikipedia page / about medieval torture devices / to a documentary / about deep sea creatures / that have never seen light / like me / right now / in the glow / of too much knowing / too much information / without wisdom / without pause / without the mercy / of not understanding / everything /

another tab opens / article about microplastics / in human blood / in newborn babies / another tab / about the heat death / of the universe / another tab / about why we procrastinate / while I procrastinate / reading about procrastination / the irony tastes / metallic / like the blood / that’s full of plastic /

random article about / the last person / to speak a dying language / and how they died / alone / with all those words / no one will ever / hear again / and I think about / all the things / I know now / that I didn’t know / an hour ago / and how heavy / knowing feels / when you can’t / unknow /

down the rabbit hole / of extinct animals / the golden toad / last seen in 1989 / bright as a warning / that went unheeded / like all the warnings / I ignore / about screen time / about sleep hygiene / about the way / information / without integration / is just / digital hoarding / of other people’s / research / other people’s / nightmares /

autoplay starts / documentary about / factory farming / I can’t look away / even though / I know / this will ruin / breakfast / tomorrow / and the day after / and maybe forever / but I keep watching / because stopping / feels like giving up / on being informed / on bearing witness / to everything / wrong with everything /

4am and I’m reading / about ocean acidification / about coral bleaching / about how the barrier reef / is dying / has died / will die / depending / on which article / which year / which degree / of optimism / the scientist / was feeling / when they published / their findings /

comment section / argues about / solutions / or lack thereof / and I scroll / through the despair / the anger / the few voices / still suggesting / hope / but hope feels / expensive / at this hour / when I’ve learned / too much / about everything / I can’t fix / can’t change / can’t unsee /

new tab / random article / about a man / who memorized / every street / in his city / just because / and I wonder / what it’s like / to know something / beautiful / something useless / something that doesn’t / end in statistics / about suffering / or studies / about why / we’re all doomed /

wikipedia spiral / leads me from / ancient rome / to lead poisoning / to the fall / of civilizations / to our civilization / to microplastics / again / everything / connects / to everything / else / in the worst / possible ways / at the worst / possible hour /

another article / about loneliness / being equivalent / to smoking / fifteen cigarettes / a day / for your health / and I wonder / if reading about loneliness / while being lonely / counts as / a double dose / or if knowledge / is its own kind / of company / however dark /

I know things now / I didn’t want / to know / about factory farms / about fast fashion / about rare earth metals / about the cost / of everything / I use / I wear / I consume / without thinking / the weight of knowing / sits heavy / in my chest / like swallowed stones /

5:13am / and I’ve learned / seventeen different ways / the world is ending / or has ended / or never began / depending / on your perspective / your religion / your tolerance / for cognitive dissonance / and the morning light / creeping in / feels like / a gentle mockery / of everything / I now know / to be true / or approximately true / or true enough / to keep me awake / tomorrow night / and the night after / researching / solutions / that don’t exist / or exist / but require / more than / one person / can give / more than / one lifetime / can hold / more than / 3am insomnia / and good intentions / can solve /

close laptop / but the knowing / stays / metabolizes / into anxiety / into the specific weight / of being informed / and paralyzed / of caring / and being / too small / too tired / too human / to carry / all this truth / into daylight